I didn’t die, I swear!!

I’M BACK!! I have been MIA here for a while, but life started happening at a fast rate.

First of all we are 100% moved out of our old place…and into a storage unit. Now, you may be thinking “Nichole, what about the house? Didn’t you buy a house?” Great question. Yes, I did have a house, until the sellers backed out at the last minute. I don’t blame them, the loan we are using required them to hire a bunch of professionals to fix some very necessary things and it would have been very expensive. Was I heartbroken? yes. Am I mad at them? initially yes, but not anymore. Am I having any luck finding a new house? Not really.

You might also be wondering, well if you moved out of your house, where are you now? The answer to that is a very simple one, the back bedroom of my grandparents house. Thats right, two people, confined to one small bedroom. Thankfully we had the good sense to not bring our whole house with us.

Now we’re back to house hunting, and I’m really not enjoying it because its getting really ridiculous. How can you call an open basement that has a laundry room in it a bedroom?? OH, it has a closet and window in it? Okay cool, guess my living room is a bedroom too then. I’m only a little irritated that this is happening over and over again.. its fine, really, I’m fine.

Anyway, this has gone on too long and has gone from me telling you I’m back to a rant real quick. So I’ll leave you with this.. I swear, I will do my best to not abandon ship so quietly again.

I appreciate all you people listening to me yell in an empty room.

Im sorry and you’re welcome.

Promposals are giving me flashbacks

All of these “promposals” as people are calling them, are giving me some flashbacks. Flashbacks of not going to prom.

You see, my school didn’t have a prom, because I went to an alternative high school. My former high school however did, and I couldn’t get my now husband to pick up the cues that I wanted to go. I would say things like “its too bad that my school doesn’t have a prom” and “prom sounds like so much fun, I really want to go, but my school never had one” and the totally not clear “hey, we should go to your prom, it would be so fun!”

I completely understand why he missed the hints and didn’t take me to prom, after being married for almost two years and dating for five I know now that I should have said “take me to your prom, i want to go, you don’t have an option in this!” and it would have been done. I imagine it would have been awful though, because I hate crowds and everyone at prom was younger than me so I wouldn’t know anyone there. He took a year longer to graduate than I did because he wanted to go into the marines and couldn’t with a tier two high school diploma, which is what he would have had if he graduated from the same school I did.

It got me thinking though, I should have done a “promposal” to make him say yes to take me to prom. The ultimate romantic high school gesture, for two people that were “just friends” it would have been spectacular..hilarious even.

Im not one of those people that looks back and regrets not going to prom, although I had the desire to go. I don’t really care or feel like i missed out on an experience that everyone in high school has, and I didn’t have to spend an insane amount of money on a high school dance. Did you go to prom? Did you miss out? Do you care?

The Happy Game

Im stressed, there are issues with buying my house, and packing sucks and I am stressed. I have spent two days trying to make progress on my house and I’m getting nowhere and its driving me nuts! My nephew and I play this game I call the happy game where I make him name three things that make him happy until he’s not angry or sad anymore. My stress and anxiety are preventing me from doing anything, so I think that I need to play the happy game. I’m only thinking about things that make me happy until I actually feel happy.

Three things that make me happy:
Spring:

Spring makes me feel happy! Something about the grass greening up from the dead yellow, and flowers beginning to bloom makes everything seem a little more right in the world. Maybe its also because i was born in the summer and i came into the world when it was warm and bright. Spring is a very calming season for me.

Storms:

I am the kind of person that opens the windows during a storm so I can hear the rain pour and thunder crash. I secretly hope the power goes out for a few hours just so I can light the dark room with candles and enjoy the silence that it brings when theres no electricity humming in the background. It brings a sense of comfort to me knowing that all I have to worry about is the moment I am in. I don’t have to find something to occupy my time like finding a movie or show on netflix.

The last time the power went out I only had tea light candles and nothing to put them in, so I got creative. Wine glasses work perfectly, and they also make it easy to carry them with you room to room. I am not a fan of unattended candles, house fires are my literal nightmare, so figuring that out was the best life hack I have ever uncovered.

Animals:

I might love animals a little too much. When animals do cute things, sometimes I cry. When I have a bad dream or I’m too sad to function, I watch videos of baby otters. Puppies can be used as a negotiating tactic for me, and 99% of the time it works. Not even offering to get me a puppy, offering to let me pet or look at puppies is good enough. I have a hard time when it comes to going to an animal shelter because I want to take them all home and make them my best friends. If I could I would have a aviary sanctuary in my home. I still remember what its like to be bit by a small parrot, and I’m willing to risk that just to have a dozen happy birds living with me.

 

This was the happy game, slightly altered to my writing needs. If you feel sad or angry, or are just bored, I suggest giving it a try. Right now i feel better, and I know the stress will come creeping back, because my brain is an asshole, but for now I know I can breathe.

 

Can clothes breed? 

 

If I never have to fold another article of clothing in my life again, all would be right with the world. Can clothes breed? Because I don’t remember having so much of it. 

For the past two days i have been catching up on the laundry I have been avoiding. And to be honest, i never really fold or hang my laundry. I usually shove it in to its designated drawer (or the closet) and call it good. If I really dont feel like doing anything I will just leave it in the basket and hope the laundry elves come put it away for me. Please tell me I’m not the only one that does this.

Since we are moving soon, as in our lease is up and we have to be out April 30th even if we can’t move into our new house yet, I have been trying to form better habits when it comes to cleaning. I have started loading the dishwasher as i use dishes, and unloading it as soon as the dishes aren’t too hot to handle. This also means i have been folding my laundry. Mostly so I can place it in baskets or boxes and go when the time to move comes.

I dont know if I have expressed this yet, but i fucking hate packing. Every bit of me wants to throw all the things we own away and get new stuff, its just stuff after all. The logical part of me says “shut up, do you know how much money that would cost to replace?” and then I’m like what the fuck do you even know carol? you’re not even real. You don’t pay these bills.  Scott then asks me who I am talking to and I say nobody, I’m just thinking out loud. He then asks me who carol in and my answer is always “A nosy bitch, thats who”.  I’m a little strange we already established this.

Honestly I’m writing this as procrastination on doing more laundry, because I am a horrible person that can’t do anything without getting distracted. I should pack more. Wish me luck.

I am a HUGE chicken

Here are the list of people in my everyday life that know that I have a blog:

  • me
  • my husband, Scott
  • my mom

Why you may ask? People scare me, if you are a stranger on the internet and you are mean, i can block you, i can look away, i don’t have to see you at family functions or friendly get togethers. I don’t have to care if you don’t like my writing, or what I have to say, and you don’t have any social obligation to read it or to tell me you don’t like it.

Am I a big fat chicken? yes. yes i am. Will I ever tell anyone outside of this three people ring? Probably slowly, to people I know will be supportive, and then to the rest once i know I am confident in what i am doing.

Right now I’m a baby learning to walk. I’m barely two months into this(unnecessary side note, i dont think two month old babies can walk), I’m just finding my footing and hoping i won’t fall. The people that know about this, are people I trust won’t judge me if I slip and land on my face. And if i do, they won’t laugh about it.

So if you know me in the real scary world and you found your way here, hello. To those that dont know me and also stumbled into here, hello. To both friends and strangers, This is what I am doing, trying to learn to walk the best I can.

I’m sorry, and you’re welcome.

COLORBLIND MADNESS I TELL YOU!!

I have been fretting over paint colors recently.

I am trying to find the colors that make me feel all warm and fuzzy and calm inside. I’m leaning toward light blues and soft grey. It would all be perfect, if Scott wasn’t colorblind. “Theres no way I’m letting you paint our living room purple” he says to me shocked that I would even suggest such a thing. “Its a light blue, its barely blue, its almost white!” i exclaim to him knowing fully that he’s not able to see the actual color. I then show him a purple in the same lightness of the blue that he swears up and down is purple. “That blue is okay” he says to me happy that we could come to a color we both like in agreement “This is purple” I say to him like the sarcastic asshole that i am. “I’m not painting our living room purple” He exclaims back at me like he knew all along. “we’ll call it blurple” he then said laughing. “I knew you showed me the same paint swatch both times.”

I don’t think we will ever paint our new home at this rate. Its not even 100% totally ours yet and this is what I’m dealing with. COLORBLIND MADENSS, but i love him, so I’ll totally trick him into thinking that he’s picking the color. Let him pick out the color.

Yes, I plan things way too far in the future. I like to be prepared. Scott on the other hand, he likes to “go with the flow” in other words wait until the very last minute and then scramble to get everything together. That is my living nightmare. My actual worst fear come to life is to have nothing planned and put together before the time to do it is actually here.

To be fair, Scott may be putting up this fight because he wants the whole house to be camouflage and look like we’re on a forever hunting trip. To be quite honest, I’d rather not. My bathroom and bedroom have been decked out in camo for the past three years, its my turn.

Wish me luck.. I think I’m going to need it. Or vodka. whichever is easier.

Im done being an adult

I’ll hand in my adult card and move back in with my parents, I’m over it. I am done being an adult. 

As I said a while ago, Scott got the flu. That resulted in him missing work. Yes, he has sick pay, but he works more than 8 hours on a typical day. We are literally short on our bills by one dollar. ONE FUCKING DOLLAR. That excludes the fact that we need to have money for gas and groceries. I have no idea what to do about that. 

I am in a current state of stressed out and I feel like barfing and crying. Actually I already cried. This is the first time in my adult life where we have not been able to pay our bills on time, in full. 

I don’t want to be an adult anymore. Yeah, I can have cake for dinner and nobody can tell me that I can’t. Beyond that, it’s terrifying. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to stop my anxiety from revving this up to a million. I feel like my world is crumbling. 

We don’t have any savings, any money set aside has gone into the purchasing of our house. (It wasn’t much money to begin with)

Part of me wants to beg strangers on the internet for money. But the morally sound side of me says that’s the wrong thing to do. You don’t get money by begging for it, you earn it. Most of me wants to call my mom and ask her to help because I know she will, because I have the most wonderful kind mother on the planet that will make sure her children are fed and taken care of even if they’re all grown up. Most of me wants to hide in my bed and cry for the next 2 weeks when we have money again so I don’t have to see if the world falls apart.

I’m screaming out to the abyss of the internet right now for answers, WHAT DO I DO? 

Life is complicated

My husband’s grandpa passed away last week. I haven’t felt much like writing anything while dealing with the stress that is flowing through his side of the family. 

They don’t grieve like most do, there’s not a lot of crying or being sad. They all try to be strong in front of one another. I find that strange since my family isn’t really like that from what I’ve expierenced with death. It’s a lot of planning and stressing and yelling and distractions. Anything to keep from being sad. 

I get it, there’s enough to be sad about. Life is complicated, death is inevitable, pick up and move along, all that. But it seems so foreign to not see them shed a single tear around anyone else. 

Truth be told, I didn’t know him that well. So I’m sad in my own way, but I don’t have much emotion when it comes to thinking about the loss of him as a family member. How can you be sad and heartbroken over someone you never really knew? I feel empathy for my husband’s family, I feel sad that he’s gone, but i also feel guilty that I don’t have the emotions to be as sad as losing a close family member. 

I don’t think that makes me a horrible person. I think that makes me human, prone to mixed, confusing, and slightly inappropriate emotion. 

What I’m trying to say is, things might be a little scattered for the next week until things get sorted and the funeral has been had. 

I’m sorry and you’re welcome.

Pinterest is ruining my life

I have a problem, I don’t know how to decorate in real life. 

 I want the Pinterest house of my dreams. I also suck at DIY projects. When it comes to crafting I get too excited and impatient. Also, my husband is putting up a fight on everything I want to do. “It’s too girly” “I hate grey” “I bet you’re going to cover the whole fucking house in glitter.” Are the three main things I hear when I start talking about decorating our new house. 

The number on thing he says is “why can’t we just comprimise?” Whenever I suggest anything which is code for “it’s too girly and I hate it.” Truth is, if he had his way everything would be rustic and decked out in camo. Negative ghost rider. 

He’s getting his man cave that can be decorated however he wants, so don’t think I’m just being an asshole. I even offered to paint it camouflage for him. I have lived in his style of decorating our whole relationship, which is throw things on a wall and call it good. I want my pretty house damnit! 

I don’t know how to get him to agree to what I want, or how to make him think it was his idea. I also don’t know how to decorate how I would like without spending bunches. I just want a pretty house. 

My colorblind husband hates every color I like. I also am so overwhelmed by all the color choices and combinations that I can’t decide what color would actually be right.  

I’m probably jumping the gun stressing about things I don’t need to worry about quite yet, but I can’t help it. That’s who I am. 

Any suggestions on how to figure this out are welcome. 

I can’t think.

Have you ever had one of those days where you just can’t think?

I have gone upstairs at least five times today to do the same thing. Every time i get up there, i have forgotten what i was going up there for. I finally had to repeat it out loud as I walked up the stairs so I wouldn’t forget. If anyone in the place behind mine is home they might think I’m a little off. With every step I’m chanting “hair tie, charger, jacket” or they think I’m trying to invent something really weird. Either way, I can’t wait to not be where people hear me do weird things.

I have been trying to write something for about an hour now, in that time i have gone back and forth on wanting to make a coffee and not wanting to get up. I already made a coffee today, its sitting next to me, I just forgot I have it. On top of that, everything i have tried to write today has been total nonsense babble that even bores me when i read it back.

I think I’m just having a really rough day. I have had a pretty rough week actually. My husband’s grandpa passed away on Monday, which was something we knew was coming. I feel bad saying it, but I’m not really affected by it. I mean I’m sad, but I barely knew him, so I’m not full of grief. We’ve been dealing with the aftermath of all of that and taking care of his parents and making sure his grandma is alright.That same day, we found out we got the house that I wanted so bad and we’ve been dealing with the financing of it.

So Im a little sick (i feel like I have the flu, but I don’t have a fever?) I’m a little sad, and Im pretty stressed out. Its making my brain not want to cooperate with me.

Hows your week going?