I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.

I am a ball of anxiety. Mostly because I have a million aspirations and no real way to achieve any of them because i don’t know what I’m doing.

100% Actually me. 

I want to take my photography and do something with it. I can’t figure out what exactly, so I have been putting it on my Instagram, (notice that subtle link there? ill go home now sorry) ¬†where it gains no more attention than if i showed it to my family members at Christmas. I would like to say that “likes” don’t validate me, but they do, because I’m a shallow ass human being with a need for attention like everyone else.

The problem is I’m good, and I know I’m good and i have always been good. Somehow its wrong to acknowledge that you know you have a natural talent, because how dare I praise myself.. but I have talent. I’m arrogant I guess, fight me Susan. Im not saying I’m the best that ever lived, I’m no Ansel Adams by any means, but I know I could be someone to look at if i knew how.

I am a bit rusty, I gave up on really photographing anything for a few years because I didn’t have anything to do with my photos and I was sharing a laptop with my husband and he got mad that my photos took up so much space when I’m not doing anything with them, and it kept him from downloading a game he really wanted to play. I have my own laptop and I’m running into the same problem, Im doing nothing with my photos, other than trying to validate myself on my Instagram.

I can google what to do with my photos, but its always “submit to stock photography websites” “pay us to sell your photos and get 45% of what we make off of it” and “scummy scammer here, give me your photos and i’ll tell you if you have what it takes, also, once you send them to me you lose all rights over your photos via my terms and conditions, so I’m going to resell them as my own” so what the fuck. How the fuck? When the fuck am I going to get answers, or is it going to take months of digging on the internet before i get any kind of answers?

I have no fucking clue what I’m doing, and I’m just rambling at the wind at this point.

heres a picture of a baby deer that was in my grandparents back yard to make up for it.

full face

I’m sorry, and you’re welcome.

I’m going paint sliding.

I’m sucking it up. Paint slides are fun. Fuck the monster in my head that won’t let me get out of the house. I’m going to go slide around on a tarp in paint and it’s going to be fun damnit! Updates and pictures (hopefully) to follow!

I went and had fun, although I decided being hot and covered in paint was not my thing today.  I watched my friends and the children play in the paint and it was wonderful. 

I am thankful for the friends I have and the fun things having them allows me to do. Today was a blessing.

I’ve been too depressed to show up.

I feel like I have lost myself. I feel like I don’t have anything worth saying lately. Like no matter what, nobody is going to care about what I have to say. I’m in a bit of a downswing in my depression, and it’s making it hard to write anything. It’s making it hard to care about anything.

My friends are creating a summer tradition of doing a paint slide, and I have no interest in going, even though I went last year and loved it. I feel like nobody will want me there. I feel like nobody wants me around.

I’ve been too depressed to show up to my own life. I spend a lot of time staring at walls, and getting lost in my own head. I’ve been reading, and coloring, and binging on tv shows that aren’t all that worthwhile to invest my time in. 

I keep going missing. I just needed to take care of myself. Life is getting stressful, and the first thing I do is shut out the things that are easy. I will come back, I will be funny again, I will be better at this. 

I’m sorry and thank you.