I have lost a lot. In my 24 years on earth I have been through some pretty fucked up things. Things I wouldn’t ever dare to share with the world and things I refuse to forget. Suicide, sickness, overdoses, fire, betrayal, abuse, and so much more are all things i work past every day.
I watched a family member drink herself into oblivion, to a reckless point that she had lost her mind and was reverting back to being a young girl again, couldn’t remember who she was at forty-something years old. To be honest, I couldn’t tell you who she was sober. I don’t remember her ever being sober. If she was sober i probably thought she was drunk because she was acting weird. I loved her so much though, to her last breath, I thought she was a wonderful spirit. The alcoholism was just a layer over the achievements she had, a footnote in her strange story.
I have lost friends that I thought were at the pinnacle of happiness, little did i know they were on the slippery slope of danger sliding down the edge asking for death. Choosing the gun, tying the rope, taking the pills that they won’t wake up from. I have seen that cliff and I cling for dear life to the other side, the side that chooses to wake up every day. The side that crawls away from the dark and into the light to see that there is hope and beauty on the other side. That my bad days will never be as bad as my good days are great. I wish I could stop them, save them, tell them to hang on for just a little bit longer and the darkness will clear, but then again, don’t we all?
I was stuck in a very abusive relationship. It was a relationship that was convenient because he lived right next door to me, and I didn’t know any better. He was the type of guy that always made sure I was cut down to nothing if i was feeling good. He did it in a way that i didn’t know he was doing it though. He cut me off from my friends one by one, he tried to cut me off from my family but clearly that couldn’t ever work. I was 15 OF COURSE YOU CANT CUT ME OFF FROM MY FAMILY, I still live with them. He made it seem like i needed him. So I thought I did. I couldn’t go out with the friends that refused to abandon me without letting him know or he would call everyone that he knew to try and get my friends numbers and then would harass them until I went home. He would get mad at me and threaten to kill himself if i left him. I tried to leave him and he threatened to kill me. My only saving grace was his meth head step father that thought my parents were going to throw him in jail for dating someone underage once he turned 18 and forced him to break up with me. He still called me every night after we broke up to remind me I was still his of course and the first time he saw me hanging out with my friends he called me and told me he was going to strap me to a wheel chair naked, set me on fire and roll me down a hill and then go to my house murder my family dog, and drug my family so they would all die when he lit my house on fire.
My home caught fire. My puppy died. Scott tried to give him CPR. It was Scotts birthday. It was a shit show. It was the home he grew up in. His parents were without a home and without jobs because his dad had just been recently fired. All three of our dogs and the cat we saved after being abandoned in the woods were all killed. Every Christmas present and every one of scott’s birthday gifts were gone. When i get anxiety attacks I can still smell the burned rubbery plastic smell. Its the most awful smell in the universe. I couldn’t sleep well for almost a year. I still have nightmares about it, but I am working through that, and getting better every day.
Whats the point in me saying any of this? It just seems like random blurbs of misfortune and sadness, right? This is my point, my life is not a tragic backstory. The things that happened to me, they will always be a part of my memory, and have shaped the way that i look at life. More importantly, Im alive. I am still moving. Not one of the things in my life has stopped time, and they never will. The things that happen to you are just that, something thats happening. Keep going, even if it feels like things are too scary. Don’t let the things that happen act as a barrier in your life and if you need help ask for it. You don’t need help because you’re weak, you ask for it because you’re strong.
If you feel that you do need help, remember its only one call away
24/7/365 Crisis Hotline
Call: (775) 784-8090
Text: “ANSWER” to 839863