I found that your ability to fail depends on the situation you put yourself in. You can’t take on more than you can handle, or of course you will fail.
I let fear hold me back for a long time. i let my depression get the best of me and my ability to create and succeed. I have this mentality that no matter where I go, no matter what I do, I will always be a failure. I stopped my whole life from progressing because I was afraid to fail and I was afraid of what that meant for me as a person. I am 24 years old and I don’t have my drivers license because I am afraid i’ll fail at driving and hurt someone or myself.
I didn’t realize for the longest time that by not trying at all, I was already failing miserably.
I had few friends growing up, which led to me feeling weird. Kids made fun of me and called me names and whispered behind my back. I labeled myself as useless and weird because who wants to be friends with me. So I didn’t try to make friends. I didn’t go out of my way to meet people, but i was always nice to people. Nobody ever wanted to be friends with the weird, quiet, poorly dressed girl. By refusing to make friends I failed myself.
I failed my way through high school, the fact that i graduated was nothing short of a miracle. Its not because I’m dumb or that refused to learn, its because I refused to try. I was one of those kids that cried every night trying to do their homework, because i got so frustrated and couldn’t focus. I figured I would get everything wrong and that i’d get in trouble, so i didn’t try. i failed merely because of the homework, which counted as most of the grade in the classes i had. Later I switched to an alternative high school, where they didn’t have homework and the class sizes were smaller. I stopped failing classes, and i felt successful.
High school ended, and so did the high of succeeding. I fell back into the hole of fear, failing, and being laughed at for trying. I found the rock I was hiding from the world under and nestled right back into its comfort. I became complacent in the mundane humdrum life that I was so used to before. Ambitions became mountains I didn’t have the energy to climb, dreams were swept under the rug. Everything seemed so out of reach.
I never learned it was okay to fail. In my head it was you did it right or not at all. I can’t pinpoint where I was taught that, but somewhere I picked up the very bad lesson and it stuck like a magnet to a fridge.
Dealing with my depression is hard enough, I have dealt with it for a long time now, and its just a monster that lurks and hangs around and leaves and comes back. God knows how long it will stay or be gone, but its there, hanging out reminding me about all the fear life has to offer me.
I have made the decision to let it tell me these things, but to not listen to the things it tells me.
Even as I type this out, with every word, every post, that brain monster is telling me i am going to fail. I am terrified I am going to fail. And maybe I will. The worst thing to come from me failing is that nobody will ever read the words I so carefully type out. Nobody will be there to tell me to give up, to make fun of me.
This year is the year that I am going to force myself out of fear, maybe not out of depression, but out of its fearsome grip. Fear has dictated my life so far and I’m nowhere because of it. Its time that I love the life I am living and go out there and live my life.
And when I don’t feel afraid anymore I will yell from a mountain top, MY NAME IS NICHOLE AND IM NOT A CHICKEN!! (i hope)