I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.

I am a ball of anxiety. Mostly because I have a million aspirations and no real way to achieve any of them because i don’t know what I’m doing.

100% Actually me. 

I want to take my photography and do something with it. I can’t figure out what exactly, so I have been putting it on my Instagram, (notice that subtle link there? ill go home now sorry)  where it gains no more attention than if i showed it to my family members at Christmas. I would like to say that “likes” don’t validate me, but they do, because I’m a shallow ass human being with a need for attention like everyone else.

The problem is I’m good, and I know I’m good and i have always been good. Somehow its wrong to acknowledge that you know you have a natural talent, because how dare I praise myself.. but I have talent. I’m arrogant I guess, fight me Susan. Im not saying I’m the best that ever lived, I’m no Ansel Adams by any means, but I know I could be someone to look at if i knew how.

I am a bit rusty, I gave up on really photographing anything for a few years because I didn’t have anything to do with my photos and I was sharing a laptop with my husband and he got mad that my photos took up so much space when I’m not doing anything with them, and it kept him from downloading a game he really wanted to play. I have my own laptop and I’m running into the same problem, Im doing nothing with my photos, other than trying to validate myself on my Instagram.

I can google what to do with my photos, but its always “submit to stock photography websites” “pay us to sell your photos and get 45% of what we make off of it” and “scummy scammer here, give me your photos and i’ll tell you if you have what it takes, also, once you send them to me you lose all rights over your photos via my terms and conditions, so I’m going to resell them as my own” so what the fuck. How the fuck? When the fuck am I going to get answers, or is it going to take months of digging on the internet before i get any kind of answers?

I have no fucking clue what I’m doing, and I’m just rambling at the wind at this point.

heres a picture of a baby deer that was in my grandparents back yard to make up for it.

full face

I’m sorry, and you’re welcome.

I’m going paint sliding.

I’m sucking it up. Paint slides are fun. Fuck the monster in my head that won’t let me get out of the house. I’m going to go slide around on a tarp in paint and it’s going to be fun damnit! Updates and pictures (hopefully) to follow!
***update***

I went and had fun, although I decided being hot and covered in paint was not my thing today.  I watched my friends and the children play in the paint and it was wonderful. 

I am thankful for the friends I have and the fun things having them allows me to do. Today was a blessing.

I’ve been too depressed to show up.

I feel like I have lost myself. I feel like I don’t have anything worth saying lately. Like no matter what, nobody is going to care about what I have to say. I’m in a bit of a downswing in my depression, and it’s making it hard to write anything. It’s making it hard to care about anything.

My friends are creating a summer tradition of doing a paint slide, and I have no interest in going, even though I went last year and loved it. I feel like nobody will want me there. I feel like nobody wants me around.

I’ve been too depressed to show up to my own life. I spend a lot of time staring at walls, and getting lost in my own head. I’ve been reading, and coloring, and binging on tv shows that aren’t all that worthwhile to invest my time in. 

I keep going missing. I just needed to take care of myself. Life is getting stressful, and the first thing I do is shut out the things that are easy. I will come back, I will be funny again, I will be better at this. 

I’m sorry and thank you. 

I have been tricking myself

I hate to work out. I avoid it at all cost, but I also have an insane desire to be “teenager metabolism” thin again. I haven’t worked out or been to a gym in years and the thought of doing so sounds so awful.  I love my mozzarella sticks and pizza and basically anything that can and does make me fat. 

I have been tricking myself into thinking it’s not that bad, that I haven’t been gaining that much weight, the scale begs to differ and so do my summer clothes. So, I have been fooling myself into exercising. How you may ask? Pokemon go. 

I know, you’re thinking “people still play that game?” Yes, to be honest I never stopped, I just got lazy. Instead of walking around and collecting pokemon and pokestops like the game intended, my husband and I would drive around and collect and catch and battle gyms. 

Recently, we have decided that we’re going to walk. So we’ve been walking up and down the “Main Street” of our downtown area. It doesn’t seem like you’ve walked a 5k when you have a motivation to do so. Man I just want to hatch a togepi so freaking bad. I remind myself of that when I feel like lounging around and not doing anything for the rest of the night.

I honestly am shocked at how many miles I used to travel as a teenager walking back and forth on the roads that led from my friends houses to the lake or the park or our other friends house. 

Fooling myself has been one of the best things I could have done. It’s making me feel a lot less crappy. It’s making me feel like I have energy. It’s nice. 

If you are looking for motivation to get some exercise, other than the obvious,  I suggest playing a walking incentivized game. There are also a few apps that for every bit that you walk will give money to a charity of your choice. 

I think I am trying to say, if you need the motivation it’s out there. 

This was a bit of a ramble, but I have been MIA between playing pokemon go and OITNB releasing the new season. So…. I’m sorry, and you’re welcome.

I got hurt doing something fun.

Sunday of Memorial day weekend I spent my morning photographing a marathon. For the rest of the week I have been paying for standing in one spot twisting back and forth to get shots of the racers. I have not been able to move, if I do I look like Quasimodo, hunched over and hobbling everywhere. The only solace i can take in not doing anything is I have my grandpa’s very cuddly kitten Jasper to comfort me.

On the bright side, i did get some great shots, like this one here:

 

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It was around the lake, so the scenery was a big helper in getting some pretty shots. They are all pretty cookie cutter of one another, other than the smiles of some and the determination of others. There was one guy in particular that stood out to me (not this guy shown here) he was insanely positive and happy to be out and running and it was just so inspiring!

Being out in the sun and around the lake also played a great role in a medium sized sunburn. I know what you’re thinking, “Nichole, ALWAYS remember sunscreen!” I did. My skin is so light that I think i would have to have SPF 10000 for it to work. That or I’m just lucky and always choose the faulty sunscreen. Either way, it was a good day. An exhausting day, but well worth it and even though I have to wake up at 5am to go take pictures of people running, I would SO do it again.

My life is not a tragic backstory

I have lost a lot. In my 24 years on earth I have been through some pretty fucked up things. Things I  wouldn’t ever dare to share with the world and things I refuse to forget. Suicide, sickness, overdoses, fire, betrayal, abuse, and so much more are all things i work past every day.

I watched a family member drink herself into oblivion, to a reckless point that she had lost her mind and was reverting back to being a young girl again, couldn’t remember who she was at forty-something years old. To be honest, I couldn’t tell you who she was sober. I don’t remember her ever being sober. If she was sober i probably thought she was drunk because she was acting weird. I loved her so much though, to her last breath, I thought she was a wonderful spirit. The alcoholism was just a layer over the achievements she had, a footnote in her strange story.

I have lost friends that I thought were at the pinnacle of happiness, little did i know they were on the slippery slope of danger sliding down the edge asking for death. Choosing the gun, tying the rope, taking the pills that they won’t wake up from. I have seen that cliff and I cling for dear life to the other side, the side that chooses to wake up every day. The side that crawls away from the dark and into the light to see that there is hope and beauty on the other side. That my bad days will never be as bad as my good days are great. I wish I could stop them, save them, tell them to hang on for just a little bit longer and the darkness will clear, but then again, don’t we all?

I was stuck in a very abusive relationship. It was a  relationship that was convenient because he lived right next door to me, and I didn’t know any better. He was the type of guy that always made sure I was cut down to nothing if i was feeling good. He did it in a way that i didn’t know he was doing it though. He cut me off from my friends one by one, he tried to cut me off from my family but clearly that couldn’t ever work. I was 15 OF COURSE YOU CANT CUT ME OFF FROM MY FAMILY, I still live with them. He made it seem like i needed him. So I thought I did. I couldn’t go out with the friends that refused to abandon me without letting him know or he would call everyone that he knew to try and get my friends numbers and then would harass them until I went home. He would get mad at me and threaten to kill himself if i left him. I tried to leave him and he threatened to kill me. My only saving grace was his meth head step father that thought my parents were going to throw him in jail for dating someone underage once he turned 18 and forced him to break up with me. He still called me every night after we broke up to remind me I was still his of course and the first time he saw me hanging out with my friends he called me and told me he was going to strap me to a wheel chair naked, set me on fire and roll me down a hill and then go to my house murder my family dog, and drug my family so they would all die when he lit my house on fire.

My home caught fire. My puppy died. Scott tried to give him CPR. It was Scotts birthday. It was a shit show. It was the home he grew up in. His parents were without a home and without jobs because his dad had just been recently fired. All three of our dogs and the cat we saved after being abandoned in the woods were all killed. Every Christmas present and every one of scott’s birthday gifts were gone. When i get anxiety attacks I can still smell the burned rubbery plastic smell. Its the most awful smell in the universe. I couldn’t sleep well for almost a year. I still have nightmares about it, but I am working through that, and getting better every day.

Whats the point in me saying any of this? It just seems like random blurbs of misfortune and sadness, right? This is my point, my life is not a tragic backstory. The things that happened to me, they will always be a part of my memory, and have shaped the way that i look at life. More importantly, Im alive. I am still moving. Not one of the things in my life has stopped time, and they never will. The things that happen to you are just that, something thats happening. Keep going, even if it feels like things are too scary. Don’t let the things that happen act as a barrier in your life and if you need help ask for it. You don’t need help because you’re weak, you ask for it because you’re strong.

If you feel that you do need help, remember its only one call away

Available 24 hours everyday

 

24/7/365 Crisis Hotline

Call: (775) 784-8090
Text: “ANSWER” to 839863

 

NATURE IS SO BEAUTIFUL!!

So here I am, on my grandparents couch minding my own business, letting the breeze blow in the house. All of the sudden, this humming bird flies in and lands on some flowers in the house and starts sucking nectar. IT WAS AMAZING! The little guy quickly flew out and I thought that would be the last I saw of him, but I was wrong, he came in a second time, I then decided I needed to set my camera up to capture him doing it again.. but he didn’t come in a third time. He fought with another guy outside the door to see who would come in and who wouldn’t get the magical surprise inside.

Scott and I then decided to try and get them to come to the deck while I had my camera out there set to video so maybe I could get a few stills from that, but they didn’t come. I spent an hour after that sitting on the deck watching them flutter back and forth.

My grandpa has spent years coaxing these little guys to make their home in the fruit trees that stand in the middle of their back yard, they finally do. Knowing this I stood out in the middle of the trees with my camera anxiously waiting for one to come into frame. Those tiny little suckers are FAST!  I am proud to say though, i did get one brag worthy picture.

Humming bird.jpg

Side note: I have mentioned that I dabble in photography time to time, right? Not relevant right now, anyway back to my humming bird story.

I named him Ralph and he war cries when he dive bombs. Now every humming bird I see that looks like flit from Pocahontas in color is Ralph. It got me thinking though, NATURE IS SO BEAUTIFUL, GUYS! I feel like I need to share more of it with you, so here i am sitting in my temporary bedroom typing this out and declaring I am going to take more photos, and I am going to start sharing them with you here.

I don’t know if you’re into that sort of thing, but you’re welcome and I’m sorry.

I didn’t die, I swear!!

I’M BACK!! I have been MIA here for a while, but life started happening at a fast rate.

First of all we are 100% moved out of our old place…and into a storage unit. Now, you may be thinking “Nichole, what about the house? Didn’t you buy a house?” Great question. Yes, I did have a house, until the sellers backed out at the last minute. I don’t blame them, the loan we are using required them to hire a bunch of professionals to fix some very necessary things and it would have been very expensive. Was I heartbroken? yes. Am I mad at them? initially yes, but not anymore. Am I having any luck finding a new house? Not really.

You might also be wondering, well if you moved out of your house, where are you now? The answer to that is a very simple one, the back bedroom of my grandparents house. Thats right, two people, confined to one small bedroom. Thankfully we had the good sense to not bring our whole house with us.

Now we’re back to house hunting, and I’m really not enjoying it because its getting really ridiculous. How can you call an open basement that has a laundry room in it a bedroom?? OH, it has a closet and window in it? Okay cool, guess my living room is a bedroom too then. I’m only a little irritated that this is happening over and over again.. its fine, really, I’m fine.

Anyway, this has gone on too long and has gone from me telling you I’m back to a rant real quick. So I’ll leave you with this.. I swear, I will do my best to not abandon ship so quietly again.

I appreciate all you people listening to me yell in an empty room.

Im sorry and you’re welcome.

Promposals are giving me flashbacks

All of these “promposals” as people are calling them, are giving me some flashbacks. Flashbacks of not going to prom.

You see, my school didn’t have a prom, because I went to an alternative high school. My former high school however did, and I couldn’t get my now husband to pick up the cues that I wanted to go. I would say things like “its too bad that my school doesn’t have a prom” and “prom sounds like so much fun, I really want to go, but my school never had one” and the totally not clear “hey, we should go to your prom, it would be so fun!”

I completely understand why he missed the hints and didn’t take me to prom, after being married for almost two years and dating for five I know now that I should have said “take me to your prom, i want to go, you don’t have an option in this!” and it would have been done. I imagine it would have been awful though, because I hate crowds and everyone at prom was younger than me so I wouldn’t know anyone there. He took a year longer to graduate than I did because he wanted to go into the marines and couldn’t with a tier two high school diploma, which is what he would have had if he graduated from the same school I did.

It got me thinking though, I should have done a “promposal” to make him say yes to take me to prom. The ultimate romantic high school gesture, for two people that were “just friends” it would have been spectacular..hilarious even.

Im not one of those people that looks back and regrets not going to prom, although I had the desire to go. I don’t really care or feel like i missed out on an experience that everyone in high school has, and I didn’t have to spend an insane amount of money on a high school dance. Did you go to prom? Did you miss out? Do you care?

The Happy Game

Im stressed, there are issues with buying my house, and packing sucks and I am stressed. I have spent two days trying to make progress on my house and I’m getting nowhere and its driving me nuts! My nephew and I play this game I call the happy game where I make him name three things that make him happy until he’s not angry or sad anymore. My stress and anxiety are preventing me from doing anything, so I think that I need to play the happy game. I’m only thinking about things that make me happy until I actually feel happy.

Three things that make me happy:
Spring:

Spring makes me feel happy! Something about the grass greening up from the dead yellow, and flowers beginning to bloom makes everything seem a little more right in the world. Maybe its also because i was born in the summer and i came into the world when it was warm and bright. Spring is a very calming season for me.

Storms:

I am the kind of person that opens the windows during a storm so I can hear the rain pour and thunder crash. I secretly hope the power goes out for a few hours just so I can light the dark room with candles and enjoy the silence that it brings when theres no electricity humming in the background. It brings a sense of comfort to me knowing that all I have to worry about is the moment I am in. I don’t have to find something to occupy my time like finding a movie or show on netflix.

The last time the power went out I only had tea light candles and nothing to put them in, so I got creative. Wine glasses work perfectly, and they also make it easy to carry them with you room to room. I am not a fan of unattended candles, house fires are my literal nightmare, so figuring that out was the best life hack I have ever uncovered.

Animals:

I might love animals a little too much. When animals do cute things, sometimes I cry. When I have a bad dream or I’m too sad to function, I watch videos of baby otters. Puppies can be used as a negotiating tactic for me, and 99% of the time it works. Not even offering to get me a puppy, offering to let me pet or look at puppies is good enough. I have a hard time when it comes to going to an animal shelter because I want to take them all home and make them my best friends. If I could I would have a aviary sanctuary in my home. I still remember what its like to be bit by a small parrot, and I’m willing to risk that just to have a dozen happy birds living with me.

 

This was the happy game, slightly altered to my writing needs. If you feel sad or angry, or are just bored, I suggest giving it a try. Right now i feel better, and I know the stress will come creeping back, because my brain is an asshole, but for now I know I can breathe.