I really can’t knit

Did you know I can knit?

I can’t. I mean I know how, but I have been working on the same blanket for the past three years. Impressive, I know, what some people can accomplish in days, I have not nearly achieved. 

I have about 6 inches in length of blanket knitted. 

To be fair, I have had to start over 3 times. 2 times at my own fault, once I had a giant hole, once it fell off of the needle because I wasn’t careful and I lost all the loops that the needles go through. The time that it wasn’t my fault, my mother in law’s dog went into my room and tore it through the house, out the dog door, and through the mud. 

I refuse to give up on it now. It’s more of a pride thing than anything. I’m cool with the fact that other people could whip this out in a night while binging their favorite show. 

I do it when I can’t handle my anxiety. When I need to move but can’t focus enough to do anything worthwhile. 

This post has no point other than to say don’t give up, even if someone is better than you at something. 

I’m sorry and you’re welcome.

Parrots are not for the weak.

Yesterday I said Clyde was sick, and that I was taking him to the vet. He was very very sick. I found out yesterday that he had gout in all of his joints, due to kidney disease. The thing about birds is that they don’t tell you when they’re sick, at least not until it’s too late. It was too late. Clyde passed away just a little after midnight. 

I’m sitting here staring at clyde’s now empty cage and I feel there is a lesson that needs to be taught. Deciding you want to own a parrot is a commitment. They are the most loving creatures you will ever have the joy of loving if you treat them right. Their diet is super important to their well being. You can not let a bird thrive on pellets or seed alone. You have to include greens, berries, fruits and nuts into their diet. If you don’t, they get sick. They can get kidney and liver diseases amongst other things. Seeds should be a minimal part of a diet for birds. 

They need to have exercise. You can not coop them up in a cage and keep them as a living decoration. They are built to forage and fly, don’t deny them of that. They need to chirp and sing, don’t stifle their loud activity. If you can’t handle that, you don’t need to own a parrot. They need attention, and stimulation. Playing with your bird and talking to them is very vital for their mental health and if you don’t have time for them they will not have a very good life and will become depressed. 

Today, I am not sad. I am thankful. Thankful that I was able to give Clyde the treatment he has deserved his whole life. Thankful that I was able to make the last few weeks of his life the best I could make them. Thankful that he is no longer suffering from his kidneys failing. Of course I love him and of course I will miss him dearly. I’m thankful that he loved me as much as I loved him.

My point, before you decide to get an exotic animal, make sure you know what you’re getting into, make sure you can handle the responsibility. Don’t dump the animal off on someone else once you realize how sick you have made them. It’s all preventable. This little guy was not my pet, he was part of my family, and that’s how they should be treated.

Rest In Peace little friend❤️

Clyde may be gone, but he will never be forgotten. I will hold this lesson next to my heart for as long as I live and make sure people know, parrots are not for the weak.

Moving into our home has been bittersweet

Yes! We are officially home owners and I couldn’t be happier! We’ve painted the interior of the house, got a few things set up, and the animals moved in. 

It was a lot of late nights this past week painting, by the way, I’m never painting again. We have a vaulted ceiling and it’s the Wall that stretches over our stairs starting in the living room and ends in the kitchen on the wall the cabinets are on. Let’s just say I was a little more than terrified when my husband got on a ladder to cut in the edges. It took us 2 days, but it’s painted and I am a self proclaimed color genius. “You can’t pick two colors on the same swatch” they said “that will look strange” they mocked. 

I beg to differ. It looks incredible.

Fight me Susan, my home looks elegant AF. 

Along with the good things, came some frustrating things. Like the 6 foot microfiber beanbag my mom bought us dyes everything that touches it black and we have to return it which won’t be easy because it’s filled with memory foam and was compressed into a cube when we got it.   The house was filthy when we moved in as well, which was a lovely gift from the previous owners. “Congrats on buying our place, have fun scrubbing a PB&J off the wall”  to that I say, fuck you Susan. 

Now I have a lesson to anyone buying a house, make sure in the closing agreement, that it is either specified to be professionally cleaned, or deep cleaned so you don’t have to move into a dirty home. Or you can save enough money and hire a pro to go on the day of closing and clean everything while you move your stuff in. Also, if you’re going to paint and you have a garage, keep everything in the garage until you are done and only move things like the bed and something small to sit on in. 

Upside, we finally live with our animals! They are no longer at my in-laws home!!! The downside? The move stressed Clyde out and now he’s sick. There’s only one avian vet in the area that I can find and it won’t be cheap to take him there, but that’s the price I pay for having an exotic animal. I love him so any cost is worth him being healthy and happy. I’m hoping it’s minor and that he will be okay, but I’m terrified. I love him so much I don’t think I can handle losing him.

Moving has been bittersweet. I’m very happy with the home that we have purchased and am very happy to have my own space again finally. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking dealing with some of the things that have happened due to the move, but I have a feeling it will work out. 

This post is too long already, I’m sorry and you’re welcome.

The day I have been waiting for is ALMOST here!

You guys! In five days Scott and I will be home owners!!! I honestly felt like this day would never ever come, but its looking me right in the face saying “I’m right here bitch” and I’m slightly terrified. How do I feel after three months of waiting? nervecited, its nervous and excited slammed together and i just made it up, feel free to make it a thing.

Scott and I have finally figured out colors (kind of) by that i mean he finally realized that it doesn’t matter how much he thinks a color looks like a different one to him, that grey is  absolutely not green. I let him pick out what colors he liked over and over again until I found ones I like within his range of taste. I can’t tell you how many times “this blue looks nice” was directed at me only for me to tell him that it was lilac and not a very light blue. The colorblind struggle is real, and it runs wild.

I feel like a stressed out maniac though, because I have a whole storage unit to move, a bedroom of things to move, we have to buy a washer and dryer, paint the entire house, and figure out how to move the parrot and ferrets. *side note* did I tell you guys I got a parrot? His name is clyde and he’s a blue crowned conure, and we’re finally getting to the point where he trusts me. Any way, back to what I was saying, I have so much to do, and not nearly enough time to figure it all out! Main point? I’m stressing the fuck out.

All in all, I’m happy. Everything is working out. Im not dead or near death today, I have goals set for the week to come, and I don’t have to worry about the house deal falling through anymore. So, HOORAY for all of that. Things are looking up. Now I wish I had cake to top this all off.

I know this was just a bunch of rambling, but if you’ve been here long enough you know that thats just me being who I am. I’m sorry and you’re welcome.

Lets throw this back baby!

So, I have been in a bit of a funk lately, if you haven’t noticed. When i feel like writing something I cant think of anything and when I don’t feel like writing or am completely unable to write, I have a million ideas and a thousand things to say. I mean, I quickly forget about them the second I go to jot them down, because who would I be if I didnt to that, amirite? I was thinking about how social media used to be so simple when i was younger and it was new, it was about talking to my friends, not getting likes on a post. It was about being in the top 8 of multiple friends on Myspace and getting into feuds with those that wouldn’t place you in their top 8. Let me also clarify- I was in middle/high school when myspace was a thing, so that may have been the source of the feuds as well.

It got me thinking though, you know what I miss? Myspace surveys. I would spend HOURS doing those things. So, I whipped out the ol trusty google machine and found one that im going to do, right here, right now. Usually I save this for the end, but I feel like I owe it to you now.. I’m sorry, and you’re welcome. LETS THROW IT BACK BABY!

1. I wish I had more….

money. 😉

2. I wish people were….

Stalking me, at least i know im interesting a little bit if i have a stalker.

3. I wish I was …

not overheated at this current moment, this laptop is FRYING my legs.

4. I wish my friends…

were not busy with “families” and “working” all the time.. dont they know im the center of the universe?

5. I wish for…

more wishes. I dont see any rules against that. Fight me Susan

6. If I had a million dollars I would….

be set for life with the right investments.

7. If I could fly I would….

never have to face my fear of airport anxiety

8. I dream of a better….

espresso machine, mines on its last leg,

9. The rain reminds me of….

my mom.

10. I fear….

fucking everything all the time. and also not that much. its complicated

11. Stormy nights are….

the best nights. I sleep so well.

12. The sea is like….

am I supposed to come up with a simile for these ones? I was never good at that.

13. Eyes are…

for seeing? what else would they be for? smelling? although, can you imagine?

14. I cannot stand when….

my knees hurt. arthritis is one son of a bitch.

15. A song that reminds me of love is….

lips of an angel…just kidding, probably would have said that in 2005 though. ummmm, thinking out loud by ed sheeran? its my wedding song.

16. Love is….

bringing me a pb&j when i didnt ask

17. Hate is….

giving me strawberry or grape jelly.

18. Death is….

expected at some point.

19. Flowers are….

bee attracters.

20. If I could grow….

Like two inches taller that’d be nice. 5’1″ is not the best height for anything.

21. I would like….

to find out the mysteries of the world at some point

22. I need more….

shorts. its hot AF and im running out of clean clothes and i dont want to do the laundry

23. I wish I had less….

time to wait before we close on our house.. its been SO long here.

24. I would like to give….

anyone who is still reading this a big gold star and a hug. You’re a real trooper.

25. Life is….

dull as fuck. I should probably do something about that

26. My mom is….

a badass wonder woman. She has 4 needy adult children that she never has abandoned by the side of the road, though at some points im sure seemed tempting. We’re all ungrateful assholes

27. Poems are…

sometimes thoughtful, but cheesy most of the time.

29. Life can be so….

good. Im lucky I am where I am today.

30. Dreams are….

strange. I had a dream the other night that Scott adopted like 10 dogs and then wouldn’t let me lay in the dog pile with them. rude.

 

Well.. there you go a Myspace survey that surely chased you away from me forever. Please dont go! My ego I need you!

Again, Im sorry and you’re welcome.

(really though please come back, im not normally like this I swear.)

You know what’s funnier than 24?

That’s right ladies and gents. As of august 4th, I am another year older! Hold the applause, I know, it’s impressive I have made it this far. 

I always get excited for my birthday, although I’m not sure why. I go in with expectations of it being great and happy but it’s always a let down. Nobody gives a shit about your birthday but you. That’s the adult lesson you have to learn. 

 I spent my birthday sitting around my grandma’s house watching my nephew because the world doesn’t stop for anyone to celebrate. He was very great about it though, he told me we could do whatever I wanted because it’s my “special day” 😭my heart can’t contain how sweet that boy is. We spent a while playing Mario kart because I love it, and even though he isn’t a fan of it, he enjoyed it with me. 

Scott had to work so we didn’t get to do anything too extravagant, but we did go to a sports bar and have a mojito or two. *side note* I still think it’s weird that a sports bar is one of the only places in the area that you can get a good mojito.  ALSO have you ever had Idaho nachos? Because they’re amazing. Waffle fries covered in nacho toppings…uh YES PLEASE!!!! 

I also spent my birthday being slightly jealous and extremely happy for my sister, because it was her birthday as well, and I think she probably had the best birthday ever. Before you get confused and say I didn’t know you had a twin!? I don’t. My little sister is a no good birthday stealer. The little jerk had to come say hello to the world on my third birthday. Which I dubbed at the time “the best birthday present ever” tbh, she’s the only birthday present I have never misplaced. 

She left on the 1st to go travel Europe. So she was in London for our birthday, along with her best friend. She got to freaking see a Shakespeare play at the freaking globe theater. Not to mention, it was my favorite Shakespeare play. Much ado about nothing😒 I’m not jealous. Really though I’m very happy for her. I couldn’t imagine a better 22nd birthday for her. 

Over all my birthday wasn’t the worst birthday I have ever had. Surely it beats out the one where I had strep throat and was dead the entire day. And it beats my 21st birthday, where I went out at midnight, and slept off a hangover for the entirety of my birthday. 

Hopefully 25 will be the year I get my adulty shit together. We’ll see though 😏

I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.

I am a ball of anxiety. Mostly because I have a million aspirations and no real way to achieve any of them because i don’t know what I’m doing.

100% Actually me. 

I want to take my photography and do something with it. I can’t figure out what exactly, so I have been putting it on my Instagram, (notice that subtle link there? ill go home now sorry)  where it gains no more attention than if i showed it to my family members at Christmas. I would like to say that “likes” don’t validate me, but they do, because I’m a shallow ass human being with a need for attention like everyone else.

The problem is I’m good, and I know I’m good and i have always been good. Somehow its wrong to acknowledge that you know you have a natural talent, because how dare I praise myself.. but I have talent. I’m arrogant I guess, fight me Susan. Im not saying I’m the best that ever lived, I’m no Ansel Adams by any means, but I know I could be someone to look at if i knew how.

I am a bit rusty, I gave up on really photographing anything for a few years because I didn’t have anything to do with my photos and I was sharing a laptop with my husband and he got mad that my photos took up so much space when I’m not doing anything with them, and it kept him from downloading a game he really wanted to play. I have my own laptop and I’m running into the same problem, Im doing nothing with my photos, other than trying to validate myself on my Instagram.

I can google what to do with my photos, but its always “submit to stock photography websites” “pay us to sell your photos and get 45% of what we make off of it” and “scummy scammer here, give me your photos and i’ll tell you if you have what it takes, also, once you send them to me you lose all rights over your photos via my terms and conditions, so I’m going to resell them as my own” so what the fuck. How the fuck? When the fuck am I going to get answers, or is it going to take months of digging on the internet before i get any kind of answers?

I have no fucking clue what I’m doing, and I’m just rambling at the wind at this point.

heres a picture of a baby deer that was in my grandparents back yard to make up for it.

full face

I’m sorry, and you’re welcome.

I’m going paint sliding.

I’m sucking it up. Paint slides are fun. Fuck the monster in my head that won’t let me get out of the house. I’m going to go slide around on a tarp in paint and it’s going to be fun damnit! Updates and pictures (hopefully) to follow!
***update***

I went and had fun, although I decided being hot and covered in paint was not my thing today.  I watched my friends and the children play in the paint and it was wonderful. 

I am thankful for the friends I have and the fun things having them allows me to do. Today was a blessing.

I’ve been too depressed to show up.

I feel like I have lost myself. I feel like I don’t have anything worth saying lately. Like no matter what, nobody is going to care about what I have to say. I’m in a bit of a downswing in my depression, and it’s making it hard to write anything. It’s making it hard to care about anything.

My friends are creating a summer tradition of doing a paint slide, and I have no interest in going, even though I went last year and loved it. I feel like nobody will want me there. I feel like nobody wants me around.

I’ve been too depressed to show up to my own life. I spend a lot of time staring at walls, and getting lost in my own head. I’ve been reading, and coloring, and binging on tv shows that aren’t all that worthwhile to invest my time in. 

I keep going missing. I just needed to take care of myself. Life is getting stressful, and the first thing I do is shut out the things that are easy. I will come back, I will be funny again, I will be better at this. 

I’m sorry and thank you. 

I have been tricking myself

I hate to work out. I avoid it at all cost, but I also have an insane desire to be “teenager metabolism” thin again. I haven’t worked out or been to a gym in years and the thought of doing so sounds so awful.  I love my mozzarella sticks and pizza and basically anything that can and does make me fat. 

I have been tricking myself into thinking it’s not that bad, that I haven’t been gaining that much weight, the scale begs to differ and so do my summer clothes. So, I have been fooling myself into exercising. How you may ask? Pokemon go. 

I know, you’re thinking “people still play that game?” Yes, to be honest I never stopped, I just got lazy. Instead of walking around and collecting pokemon and pokestops like the game intended, my husband and I would drive around and collect and catch and battle gyms. 

Recently, we have decided that we’re going to walk. So we’ve been walking up and down the “Main Street” of our downtown area. It doesn’t seem like you’ve walked a 5k when you have a motivation to do so. Man I just want to hatch a togepi so freaking bad. I remind myself of that when I feel like lounging around and not doing anything for the rest of the night.

I honestly am shocked at how many miles I used to travel as a teenager walking back and forth on the roads that led from my friends houses to the lake or the park or our other friends house. 

Fooling myself has been one of the best things I could have done. It’s making me feel a lot less crappy. It’s making me feel like I have energy. It’s nice. 

If you are looking for motivation to get some exercise, other than the obvious,  I suggest playing a walking incentivized game. There are also a few apps that for every bit that you walk will give money to a charity of your choice. 

I think I am trying to say, if you need the motivation it’s out there. 

This was a bit of a ramble, but I have been MIA between playing pokemon go and OITNB releasing the new season. So…. I’m sorry, and you’re welcome.