The day I have been waiting for is ALMOST here!

You guys! In five days Scott and I will be home owners!!! I honestly felt like this day would never ever come, but its looking me right in the face saying “I’m right here bitch” and I’m slightly terrified. How do I feel after three months of waiting? nervecited, its nervous and excited slammed together and i just made it up, feel free to make it a thing.

Scott and I have finally figured out colors (kind of) by that i mean he finally realized that it doesn’t matter how much he thinks a color looks like a different one to him, that grey is  absolutely not green. I let him pick out what colors he liked over and over again until I found ones I like within his range of taste. I can’t tell you how many times “this blue looks nice” was directed at me only for me to tell him that it was lilac and not a very light blue. The colorblind struggle is real, and it runs wild.

I feel like a stressed out maniac though, because I have a whole storage unit to move, a bedroom of things to move, we have to buy a washer and dryer, paint the entire house, and figure out how to move the parrot and ferrets. *side note* did I tell you guys I got a parrot? His name is clyde and he’s a blue crowned conure, and we’re finally getting to the point where he trusts me. Any way, back to what I was saying, I have so much to do, and not nearly enough time to figure it all out! Main point? I’m stressing the fuck out.

All in all, I’m happy. Everything is working out. Im not dead or near death today, I have goals set for the week to come, and I don’t have to worry about the house deal falling through anymore. So, HOORAY for all of that. Things are looking up. Now I wish I had cake to top this all off.

I know this was just a bunch of rambling, but if you’ve been here long enough you know that thats just me being who I am. I’m sorry and you’re welcome.

Lets throw this back baby!

So, I have been in a bit of a funk lately, if you haven’t noticed. When i feel like writing something I cant think of anything and when I don’t feel like writing or am completely unable to write, I have a million ideas and a thousand things to say. I mean, I quickly forget about them the second I go to jot them down, because who would I be if I didnt to that, amirite? I was thinking about how social media used to be so simple when i was younger and it was new, it was about talking to my friends, not getting likes on a post. It was about being in the top 8 of multiple friends on Myspace and getting into feuds with those that wouldn’t place you in their top 8. Let me also clarify- I was in middle/high school when myspace was a thing, so that may have been the source of the feuds as well.

It got me thinking though, you know what I miss? Myspace surveys. I would spend HOURS doing those things. So, I whipped out the ol trusty google machine and found one that im going to do, right here, right now. Usually I save this for the end, but I feel like I owe it to you now.. I’m sorry, and you’re welcome. LETS THROW IT BACK BABY!

1. I wish I had more….

money. 😉

2. I wish people were….

Stalking me, at least i know im interesting a little bit if i have a stalker.

3. I wish I was …

not overheated at this current moment, this laptop is FRYING my legs.

4. I wish my friends…

were not busy with “families” and “working” all the time.. dont they know im the center of the universe?

5. I wish for…

more wishes. I dont see any rules against that. Fight me Susan

6. If I had a million dollars I would….

be set for life with the right investments.

7. If I could fly I would….

never have to face my fear of airport anxiety

8. I dream of a better….

espresso machine, mines on its last leg,

9. The rain reminds me of….

my mom.

10. I fear….

fucking everything all the time. and also not that much. its complicated

11. Stormy nights are….

the best nights. I sleep so well.

12. The sea is like….

am I supposed to come up with a simile for these ones? I was never good at that.

13. Eyes are…

for seeing? what else would they be for? smelling? although, can you imagine?

14. I cannot stand when….

my knees hurt. arthritis is one son of a bitch.

15. A song that reminds me of love is….

lips of an angel…just kidding, probably would have said that in 2005 though. ummmm, thinking out loud by ed sheeran? its my wedding song.

16. Love is….

bringing me a pb&j when i didnt ask

17. Hate is….

giving me strawberry or grape jelly.

18. Death is….

expected at some point.

19. Flowers are….

bee attracters.

20. If I could grow….

Like two inches taller that’d be nice. 5’1″ is not the best height for anything.

21. I would like….

to find out the mysteries of the world at some point

22. I need more….

shorts. its hot AF and im running out of clean clothes and i dont want to do the laundry

23. I wish I had less….

time to wait before we close on our house.. its been SO long here.

24. I would like to give….

anyone who is still reading this a big gold star and a hug. You’re a real trooper.

25. Life is….

dull as fuck. I should probably do something about that

26. My mom is….

a badass wonder woman. She has 4 needy adult children that she never has abandoned by the side of the road, though at some points im sure seemed tempting. We’re all ungrateful assholes

27. Poems are…

sometimes thoughtful, but cheesy most of the time.

29. Life can be so….

good. Im lucky I am where I am today.

30. Dreams are….

strange. I had a dream the other night that Scott adopted like 10 dogs and then wouldn’t let me lay in the dog pile with them. rude.

 

Well.. there you go a Myspace survey that surely chased you away from me forever. Please dont go! My ego I need you!

Again, Im sorry and you’re welcome.

(really though please come back, im not normally like this I swear.)

You know what’s funnier than 24?

That’s right ladies and gents. As of august 4th, I am another year older! Hold the applause, I know, it’s impressive I have made it this far. 

I always get excited for my birthday, although I’m not sure why. I go in with expectations of it being great and happy but it’s always a let down. Nobody gives a shit about your birthday but you. That’s the adult lesson you have to learn. 

 I spent my birthday sitting around my grandma’s house watching my nephew because the world doesn’t stop for anyone to celebrate. He was very great about it though, he told me we could do whatever I wanted because it’s my “special day” 😭my heart can’t contain how sweet that boy is. We spent a while playing Mario kart because I love it, and even though he isn’t a fan of it, he enjoyed it with me. 

Scott had to work so we didn’t get to do anything too extravagant, but we did go to a sports bar and have a mojito or two. *side note* I still think it’s weird that a sports bar is one of the only places in the area that you can get a good mojito.  ALSO have you ever had Idaho nachos? Because they’re amazing. Waffle fries covered in nacho toppings…uh YES PLEASE!!!! 

I also spent my birthday being slightly jealous and extremely happy for my sister, because it was her birthday as well, and I think she probably had the best birthday ever. Before you get confused and say I didn’t know you had a twin!? I don’t. My little sister is a no good birthday stealer. The little jerk had to come say hello to the world on my third birthday. Which I dubbed at the time “the best birthday present ever” tbh, she’s the only birthday present I have never misplaced. 

She left on the 1st to go travel Europe. So she was in London for our birthday, along with her best friend. She got to freaking see a Shakespeare play at the freaking globe theater. Not to mention, it was my favorite Shakespeare play. Much ado about nothing😒 I’m not jealous. Really though I’m very happy for her. I couldn’t imagine a better 22nd birthday for her. 

Over all my birthday wasn’t the worst birthday I have ever had. Surely it beats out the one where I had strep throat and was dead the entire day. And it beats my 21st birthday, where I went out at midnight, and slept off a hangover for the entirety of my birthday. 

Hopefully 25 will be the year I get my adulty shit together. We’ll see though 😏

I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.

I am a ball of anxiety. Mostly because I have a million aspirations and no real way to achieve any of them because i don’t know what I’m doing.

100% Actually me. 

I want to take my photography and do something with it. I can’t figure out what exactly, so I have been putting it on my Instagram, (notice that subtle link there? ill go home now sorry)  where it gains no more attention than if i showed it to my family members at Christmas. I would like to say that “likes” don’t validate me, but they do, because I’m a shallow ass human being with a need for attention like everyone else.

The problem is I’m good, and I know I’m good and i have always been good. Somehow its wrong to acknowledge that you know you have a natural talent, because how dare I praise myself.. but I have talent. I’m arrogant I guess, fight me Susan. Im not saying I’m the best that ever lived, I’m no Ansel Adams by any means, but I know I could be someone to look at if i knew how.

I am a bit rusty, I gave up on really photographing anything for a few years because I didn’t have anything to do with my photos and I was sharing a laptop with my husband and he got mad that my photos took up so much space when I’m not doing anything with them, and it kept him from downloading a game he really wanted to play. I have my own laptop and I’m running into the same problem, Im doing nothing with my photos, other than trying to validate myself on my Instagram.

I can google what to do with my photos, but its always “submit to stock photography websites” “pay us to sell your photos and get 45% of what we make off of it” and “scummy scammer here, give me your photos and i’ll tell you if you have what it takes, also, once you send them to me you lose all rights over your photos via my terms and conditions, so I’m going to resell them as my own” so what the fuck. How the fuck? When the fuck am I going to get answers, or is it going to take months of digging on the internet before i get any kind of answers?

I have no fucking clue what I’m doing, and I’m just rambling at the wind at this point.

heres a picture of a baby deer that was in my grandparents back yard to make up for it.

full face

I’m sorry, and you’re welcome.

I’m going paint sliding.

I’m sucking it up. Paint slides are fun. Fuck the monster in my head that won’t let me get out of the house. I’m going to go slide around on a tarp in paint and it’s going to be fun damnit! Updates and pictures (hopefully) to follow!
***update***

I went and had fun, although I decided being hot and covered in paint was not my thing today.  I watched my friends and the children play in the paint and it was wonderful. 

I am thankful for the friends I have and the fun things having them allows me to do. Today was a blessing.

I’ve been too depressed to show up.

I feel like I have lost myself. I feel like I don’t have anything worth saying lately. Like no matter what, nobody is going to care about what I have to say. I’m in a bit of a downswing in my depression, and it’s making it hard to write anything. It’s making it hard to care about anything.

My friends are creating a summer tradition of doing a paint slide, and I have no interest in going, even though I went last year and loved it. I feel like nobody will want me there. I feel like nobody wants me around.

I’ve been too depressed to show up to my own life. I spend a lot of time staring at walls, and getting lost in my own head. I’ve been reading, and coloring, and binging on tv shows that aren’t all that worthwhile to invest my time in. 

I keep going missing. I just needed to take care of myself. Life is getting stressful, and the first thing I do is shut out the things that are easy. I will come back, I will be funny again, I will be better at this. 

I’m sorry and thank you. 

I have been tricking myself

I hate to work out. I avoid it at all cost, but I also have an insane desire to be “teenager metabolism” thin again. I haven’t worked out or been to a gym in years and the thought of doing so sounds so awful.  I love my mozzarella sticks and pizza and basically anything that can and does make me fat. 

I have been tricking myself into thinking it’s not that bad, that I haven’t been gaining that much weight, the scale begs to differ and so do my summer clothes. So, I have been fooling myself into exercising. How you may ask? Pokemon go. 

I know, you’re thinking “people still play that game?” Yes, to be honest I never stopped, I just got lazy. Instead of walking around and collecting pokemon and pokestops like the game intended, my husband and I would drive around and collect and catch and battle gyms. 

Recently, we have decided that we’re going to walk. So we’ve been walking up and down the “Main Street” of our downtown area. It doesn’t seem like you’ve walked a 5k when you have a motivation to do so. Man I just want to hatch a togepi so freaking bad. I remind myself of that when I feel like lounging around and not doing anything for the rest of the night.

I honestly am shocked at how many miles I used to travel as a teenager walking back and forth on the roads that led from my friends houses to the lake or the park or our other friends house. 

Fooling myself has been one of the best things I could have done. It’s making me feel a lot less crappy. It’s making me feel like I have energy. It’s nice. 

If you are looking for motivation to get some exercise, other than the obvious,  I suggest playing a walking incentivized game. There are also a few apps that for every bit that you walk will give money to a charity of your choice. 

I think I am trying to say, if you need the motivation it’s out there. 

This was a bit of a ramble, but I have been MIA between playing pokemon go and OITNB releasing the new season. So…. I’m sorry, and you’re welcome.

I got hurt doing something fun.

Sunday of Memorial day weekend I spent my morning photographing a marathon. For the rest of the week I have been paying for standing in one spot twisting back and forth to get shots of the racers. I have not been able to move, if I do I look like Quasimodo, hunched over and hobbling everywhere. The only solace i can take in not doing anything is I have my grandpa’s very cuddly kitten Jasper to comfort me.

On the bright side, i did get some great shots, like this one here:

 

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It was around the lake, so the scenery was a big helper in getting some pretty shots. They are all pretty cookie cutter of one another, other than the smiles of some and the determination of others. There was one guy in particular that stood out to me (not this guy shown here) he was insanely positive and happy to be out and running and it was just so inspiring!

Being out in the sun and around the lake also played a great role in a medium sized sunburn. I know what you’re thinking, “Nichole, ALWAYS remember sunscreen!” I did. My skin is so light that I think i would have to have SPF 10000 for it to work. That or I’m just lucky and always choose the faulty sunscreen. Either way, it was a good day. An exhausting day, but well worth it and even though I have to wake up at 5am to go take pictures of people running, I would SO do it again.

My life is not a tragic backstory

I have lost a lot. In my 24 years on earth I have been through some pretty fucked up things. Things I  wouldn’t ever dare to share with the world and things I refuse to forget. Suicide, sickness, overdoses, fire, betrayal, abuse, and so much more are all things i work past every day.

I watched a family member drink herself into oblivion, to a reckless point that she had lost her mind and was reverting back to being a young girl again, couldn’t remember who she was at forty-something years old. To be honest, I couldn’t tell you who she was sober. I don’t remember her ever being sober. If she was sober i probably thought she was drunk because she was acting weird. I loved her so much though, to her last breath, I thought she was a wonderful spirit. The alcoholism was just a layer over the achievements she had, a footnote in her strange story.

I have lost friends that I thought were at the pinnacle of happiness, little did i know they were on the slippery slope of danger sliding down the edge asking for death. Choosing the gun, tying the rope, taking the pills that they won’t wake up from. I have seen that cliff and I cling for dear life to the other side, the side that chooses to wake up every day. The side that crawls away from the dark and into the light to see that there is hope and beauty on the other side. That my bad days will never be as bad as my good days are great. I wish I could stop them, save them, tell them to hang on for just a little bit longer and the darkness will clear, but then again, don’t we all?

I was stuck in a very abusive relationship. It was a  relationship that was convenient because he lived right next door to me, and I didn’t know any better. He was the type of guy that always made sure I was cut down to nothing if i was feeling good. He did it in a way that i didn’t know he was doing it though. He cut me off from my friends one by one, he tried to cut me off from my family but clearly that couldn’t ever work. I was 15 OF COURSE YOU CANT CUT ME OFF FROM MY FAMILY, I still live with them. He made it seem like i needed him. So I thought I did. I couldn’t go out with the friends that refused to abandon me without letting him know or he would call everyone that he knew to try and get my friends numbers and then would harass them until I went home. He would get mad at me and threaten to kill himself if i left him. I tried to leave him and he threatened to kill me. My only saving grace was his meth head step father that thought my parents were going to throw him in jail for dating someone underage once he turned 18 and forced him to break up with me. He still called me every night after we broke up to remind me I was still his of course and the first time he saw me hanging out with my friends he called me and told me he was going to strap me to a wheel chair naked, set me on fire and roll me down a hill and then go to my house murder my family dog, and drug my family so they would all die when he lit my house on fire.

My home caught fire. My puppy died. Scott tried to give him CPR. It was Scotts birthday. It was a shit show. It was the home he grew up in. His parents were without a home and without jobs because his dad had just been recently fired. All three of our dogs and the cat we saved after being abandoned in the woods were all killed. Every Christmas present and every one of scott’s birthday gifts were gone. When i get anxiety attacks I can still smell the burned rubbery plastic smell. Its the most awful smell in the universe. I couldn’t sleep well for almost a year. I still have nightmares about it, but I am working through that, and getting better every day.

Whats the point in me saying any of this? It just seems like random blurbs of misfortune and sadness, right? This is my point, my life is not a tragic backstory. The things that happened to me, they will always be a part of my memory, and have shaped the way that i look at life. More importantly, Im alive. I am still moving. Not one of the things in my life has stopped time, and they never will. The things that happen to you are just that, something thats happening. Keep going, even if it feels like things are too scary. Don’t let the things that happen act as a barrier in your life and if you need help ask for it. You don’t need help because you’re weak, you ask for it because you’re strong.

If you feel that you do need help, remember its only one call away

Available 24 hours everyday

 

24/7/365 Crisis Hotline

Call: (775) 784-8090
Text: “ANSWER” to 839863

 

NATURE IS SO BEAUTIFUL!!

So here I am, on my grandparents couch minding my own business, letting the breeze blow in the house. All of the sudden, this humming bird flies in and lands on some flowers in the house and starts sucking nectar. IT WAS AMAZING! The little guy quickly flew out and I thought that would be the last I saw of him, but I was wrong, he came in a second time, I then decided I needed to set my camera up to capture him doing it again.. but he didn’t come in a third time. He fought with another guy outside the door to see who would come in and who wouldn’t get the magical surprise inside.

Scott and I then decided to try and get them to come to the deck while I had my camera out there set to video so maybe I could get a few stills from that, but they didn’t come. I spent an hour after that sitting on the deck watching them flutter back and forth.

My grandpa has spent years coaxing these little guys to make their home in the fruit trees that stand in the middle of their back yard, they finally do. Knowing this I stood out in the middle of the trees with my camera anxiously waiting for one to come into frame. Those tiny little suckers are FAST!  I am proud to say though, i did get one brag worthy picture.

Humming bird.jpg

Side note: I have mentioned that I dabble in photography time to time, right? Not relevant right now, anyway back to my humming bird story.

I named him Ralph and he war cries when he dive bombs. Now every humming bird I see that looks like flit from Pocahontas in color is Ralph. It got me thinking though, NATURE IS SO BEAUTIFUL, GUYS! I feel like I need to share more of it with you, so here i am sitting in my temporary bedroom typing this out and declaring I am going to take more photos, and I am going to start sharing them with you here.

I don’t know if you’re into that sort of thing, but you’re welcome and I’m sorry.